I was notified yesterday that it had been an entire year since I last logged in on this page and more than a year since my last post. Things have been a bit hectic, but I also felt like I didn’t really have anything worth writing about. That is until I saw someone’s post on Facebook today.
I saw a post today from a young woman, not someone that I’m friends with on Facebook, but someone that tagged a friend of mine so I was able to read her post. She talked about how tomorrow was the beginning of a new lifestyle for her – one of health and wellness. She posted a picture from years ago when she was obviously smaller and one from when she was obviously very pregnant and stated it was her motivational post. A post to help her get back to what she thought was ideal, then stated that she’s not proud of who she had become. It made me very, very sad. When I look at her picture from her pregnancy, I see a very happy, glowing new mom and her partner, smiling from ear to ear in anticipation of the birth of their baby. And I realized that I’ve been shaming myself on who I’ve become (physically) over the past few years without taking stock of all of the wonderful reasons why.
No, I haven’t had a baby – not something I’d really look forward to at this stage of my life, but I have had a number of life altering things that have happened that have contributed to my weight gain. Over the past 5 years, I have gained almost 40 pounds. I know many of you still think I work out a lot, and compared to some people, I do. But, the intensity isn’t there and neither is the consistency. Over the past 5 years I’ve become more disheartened by my own appearance, often saying some pretty mean things to myself when I am getting dressed or catch a glimpse of myself when I’m getting out of the shower…things I would give my friends shit about if I ever heard them say it to themselves. Yet, I do it.
I’m not unhealthy – my diet consists mainly of good foods; lean proteins, fruits, veggies, whole grains…I drink a boat load of water every day, and I try to get a workout in at least 4 times a week. Some weeks its 2 and some weeks its 6…so why have I gained so much weight in the past 5 years? I’m happy….that’s it…nothing more complicated than that. I’m not talking about the temporary giddy, infectious happy that is evident when you score a pair of tickets to a Pink concert (I’d be SO giddy) or the happy that lasts for 5 minutes when you’re eating a cupcake made by your favorite baker. I’m talking about the “my life is good, I’m healthy, I’m paying my bills (most of the time), I have a roof over my head, I get to go on vacation occasionally, my kids are doing well, I have friends that I can count on and a partner that gets me” kind of happy that makes you fat. LOL – ok, it doesn’t make you fat, but happiness should come with a nutritional warning label. Something like: Being happy in life can cause intermittent laziness, occasional couch potatoness, consumption of high fat, big flavor foods while watching “A Star is Born” snuggled under a comfy blanket, dinners out and nights in, a decreased desire to workout at stupid hours, and the attitude of not really giving a shit what others think.”
Work is one area of my life that’s changed dramatically. Yes, work stresses me out, but it’s because I’m passionate about what I do, the people I can help, the team I work with and doing whatever I can to ensure we’re all successful. I used to stress about work because I was very unhappy in it. I dreaded going to work every day – I’d leave at lunch time to workout simply to break up the monotony of a job that I hated. That’s not the case now, in fact, I spend way too many days eating lunch at my desk. Not good, I know. Traveling also doesn’t do much for the waistline – some times I fly in too late and fly out too early to utilize the gym I insist on having in any hotel I book. And yes, some very focused, very disciplined people can eat healthy while traveling…I’m not that person. I love to take in everything about where I’m traveling. I love to try the local beer and eat at the restaurants the locals eat at. There are many times that events I’m attending don’t get done until most restaurants stop serving so I’m stuck with whatever the hotel has – last week it was a Cup O Noodles (so gross, so much sodium, but at 1am, so good!) or whatever the gas station nearby has in it’s cooler. Yes, I know some people prep food for road trips…I do from time to time, but do I want to spend an hour the night before cutting carrots or smooching my love that I won’t see for a couple of days? Not going with the carrots people…
I used to be a 5am exerciser every day. Every. Damn. Day. Ask me when the last time I got up to work out at 5am was? Probably the last time I subbed teaching a class for someone else’s 5am class. The change occurred slowly – when I started working at the brewery and I was working until 8, 9, 10 at night, it slowly went away. Working that late in the day makes a 4:30 alarm an unlikely occurrence. Do I miss it? Sure, I miss the regularity of it but I don’t miss crawling out of bed when Adam is still sleeping and driving through unplowed roads to get to the gym. It’s a much more attractive option to snuggle a bit closer and enjoy the additional body heat and the extra hour of sleep. My days aren’t like they were when I did the 5am workouts, I can break away, and often do, during the day to go to the gym or a class, but the consistency just isn’t there anymore. And I see it, not only in the weight but in the endurance I have. I don’t work at the same intensity level as I used to…still feels like I’m gonna die, I just can’t get as many reps in as I used to. Pushups, burpees, pull ups, etc…I still love (hate) them, I just can’t do as many.
So – why am I sharing (maybe over-sharing?) all of this? Because I recognized myself in that young lady’s post. The negative things I say to myself, sometimes just internally but often times out loud. I recognize that I’m not the same person physically that I was 5 years ago…but I’m also not the same person emotionally. Would I trade my size 12 jeans and a happy home life to go back to size 8s and questioning my relationships and career? Nope…do I want to remain this size? Of course not, but not because I need people to perceive me as attractive, there’s only one person’s perspective there that matters and he tells me I’m beautiful, but I would like to lose the weight so that I can perform like I did before. I refuse to trade who I am now for it though. I refuse to trade the life I have now for being able to run a sub 8 minute mile or 80 pushups in a minute. (Ya, I used to be able to do that…lol) My last post, over a year ago, was about finding balance. Trying to find my work/life/workout balance…I don’t know that I’m any more balanced than I was last year, I do know that I’m much more content with the way my life is. I may still work too many hours, travel more than what is healthy, and indulge in things that make me smile more than I should…but it all makes me happy. So if I never get back to a size 8, if I never climb an 8 foot wall without help from a teammate, never complete another half marathon in under 2 hours, I’m still going to have a job that I love, a home life that I enjoy coming back to each day, a partner that thinks I’m beautiful regardless of my dress size, and a fitness community that still embraces me whether I can do 80 pushups in a minute or 18.
I don’t know that young lady that sparked my desire to write again today, but if I did, I’d tell her that her pregnancy photo was beautiful. That wanting to be healthy is great goal, but to remember that she’s amazing regardless the size. She created a life…and because of that her hips will be a little wider and her skin may never look like it did before and that’s ok. Don’t be ashamed of the size of your jeans, don’t say things to yourself you’d never allow someone you love to say to themselves, embrace your life as it is. It’s wonderful to have weight loss goals, to want a healthier lifestyle and yes, smaller clothing…but remember that being healthy AND happy don’t always translate to a size on a tag or a number on a scale. Appreciate all that you have done, be proud of who you are now…and at every stage in your journey. And perhaps I needed to see her post to remember all of those things about myself. I don’t know her, but I thank her for the reminder – perhaps tomorrow morning when I get dressed, I’ll remember to thank myself for where I’m at now rather than to berate myself for no longer being where I was. Maybe I’ll remember the words that I say to everyone else are really words I need to be telling myself.
I Rise ~ Andrea