At my wedding, my dad noticed a group of 9 beautiful, independent women that were all dressed similarly and asked one of them why they were all dressed alike, Jill’s response? “We’re Andrea’s bitches.” Now, mind you if I’ve ever called them bitches it was said as a term of endearment or with regard to them being “boss bitches” handling their shit without relying on someone to handle it for them. In fact, these women, my tribe, are some of the most incredible, intelligent, successful, fun loving, hard hitting, take-no-shit, kind, generous and loving women I have ever met. Some of these relationships go back decades and some within the past few years, but all of them add such value to my life, I can’t imagine going through it without them. Now, before you think I only have 9 friends, that’s not the case. I have a lot of female friends that I enjoy spending time with, learning from, being silly with and just enjoying life with; at least from my perspective I do, they may say otherwise! However, there was a time when I wasn’t so certain about the quality and authenticity of the friendships I have with other women.
A few months ago a male friend and I were chatting about friendships and he made an observation that I had known for a long time, but hadn’t really put into words or even spent much time thinking about. He said, “most women act like they like other women, but the really don’t do they?” At first I was like, “Hell no, women aren’t like that…” and then I actually thought about a lot of the women I know. There are tons of women out there that talk about empowering other women, that make motivational posts, talk about how we need to lift each other up, but their actions speak volumes more than their empty words. Why, when another women succeeds do some women feel the need to attack her? Why do they come up with excuses as to why she’s succeeded or provide examples of when she’s not? It’s because she’s good on her back or she’s related to so-and-so or she just fell into that role…these are all things I’ve heard women say about other women that have had successes. Why? Why do some women feel that one woman’s success is a threat to another’s or their own? Why is there an issue with genuinely celebrating the accomplishments and wins of one woman without having to make excuses for it. This saddens me.
Now, before you get all, “not every woman is like this” with me, I am well aware of that fact. In fact, my tribe is full of women that genuinely celebrate the successes of others without feeling the need to explain it away. They know that when one of us succeeds it increases the likelihood that more of us will succeed. But, I’ve not always been so lucky, I’ve spent many years in relationships that didn’t add to my life in a positive way, attempting to nurture relationships that may have run their course, no longer give and take relationships but increasingly becoming take and take and take and take relationships. Relationships with people that when you see it’s them calling, you immediately let it go to voicemail because you can see what the person needs from you before you actually have to expend the energy talking to them. Now, I know every relationship shifts in balance from time to time, sometimes you take more, sometimes you give it. What I’m referring to are those friends that you’re finding yourself constantly giving to. They’re exhausting and after you’ve given all that you have to give; emotionally, mentally, financially, whatever, and you’re left wondering what value that person brings to your life. If you have to think about what you’re getting out of the relationship, maybe you need to be getting out of the relationship.
When I got divorced, I realized that I didn’t have many “Andrea” friends, I had “Andrea and Scott” friends, but only one or two that were just for me. I’m so grateful that to this day one of those friends remains one of my dearest and closest friends. That one person that no matter how much time goes by, the instant we’re in the same room together, it’s laughs and giggles, hugs and love, encouragement and praise…a friendship that will undoubtedly live on, for as long as we do! I digress, I was so starved for female friendships, because I had, like many women, had been so focused on tending to my family, my house, my job, my blah, blah, blah…that I’d forgotten to tend the garden that produces the most, my friendship garden. I’d let the weeds of being someone’s wife, mother, employee, student, whatever, choke out the true friendships that we all need. Here I was, 37 years old, and without the types of friends that I could call to just say hi to, no one to go grab a drink with, to bounce ideas and professional questions off of…I’d allowed myself to be completely consumed with being someone’s something, that I’d completely lost sight of me as an individual.
Slowly I began letting women into my life, it actually started with the gym. I started going to the gym as a way of dealing with the stress of divorce and in an attempt to not kill my teenage children…it definitely helped, they’re both still alive and well today! The gym provided me an opportunity to meet other women in the community and to feed off their power, the power to do for oneself. It was an almost foreign concept for me. Up to this point I had always been someone else’s something. This was the first time I was truly doing something for me. I’ve made lots of female friends through the gym, even switching gyms, and some are just as strong today as they were 10 years ago, some stronger and some have fallen away…and while those were difficult to accept then, I know now that it’s ok. What I’ve come to learn is that just as we evolve as people, I know I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago, my relationships evolve and sometimes we outgrow some friends.
So, if I’m so happy with my friendships and the tribe that I have, why bother bringing up those women that find it difficult to cheerlead for other women? I brought that up because just as our relationships need to grow and evolve, it’s through personal growth and evolution that we can identify and nurture the truly valuable relationships. Think about this, if you struggle with celebrating the wins of other women, ask yourself why. Why does it bother you to be able to cheer on another woman? If you find yourself questioning another woman’s successes, are you afraid that people won’t notice yours? Are you worried that others will think you haven’t earned your success? If you’ve ever had to call out someone’s failures to minimize their success is it because you think others are doing this when you succeed? I am so very fortunate to be at a place in my life where I can confidently and comfortably remove myself from the friendships where I see others doing this. I used to worry that if I stopped putting energy into these types of relationships that it made me a bad friend, or that I would become the next target. What I’ve come to recognize is that it makes me a better friend, to my true friends, but more importantly to myself. And don’t get me wrong, I’m far from the perfect friend; I often let too much time pass between check-ins with friends, I don’t always remember birthdays, I forget plans that I’ve made…but rest assured, if you win, I’ll be cheering for you. If you lose, I’ll be cheering even louder, whether you’re my friend or not.
Build your tribe, surround yourself with those that encourage you, push you, challenge you, support you and love you. Don’t waste time with those that suck the energy from you, that use you, that don’t encourage you or speak ill of you when you’re not around. Don’t bother with those that can’t celebrate your wins or the wins of women they don’t know. As women, we should all be celebrating each other’s successes and when you celebrate other women, especially those you don’t really know, you’ll find the tribe that you build enriches your life in ways you could never before imagine. So, virtually high-five all the women out there, send them some mental “atta girls” and the next time you hear someone tear down another woman for her success, whether you know her or not, just walk away…there’s a good chance you won’t be the only bitch (boss bitch) walking away…and you could be walking straight into your tribe.
(Oh, and for those keeping score, I know it’s been more than a week since my last blog…you know, where I promised to write once a week…at least it’s not 2 years…)
I Rise ~ Andrea