How often, while traveling by airplane, do you pay attention to the safety instructions the flight attendants give prior to take off? I rarely do, in fact, I hesitate to make eye contact with any of them while they’re doing their thing because I know they know no one pays attention to them. But, they give one little piece of advice that I try to remember every day, advice that I pass on to others every chance I get.
When the flight attendant is doing their “bit” and they talk about oxygen bags deploying in the case of emergency, they instruct passengers to place the oxygen mask first on themselves before turning to help other passengers. It would seem like the common sense thing to do, wouldn’t it? You obviously can’t help fellow passengers if you’ve passed out because of your lack of oxygen. Then why, in our regular day-to-day lives, do we feel it’s perfectly fine to give of ourselves to others and not give to ourselves.
So, it’s a metaphor, you’re not really walking around throwing air bags over random peoples’ faces. But what you are doing, what I find myself doing, is spending so much time doing for others that I have very little, if anything, left for me. I know I’m not alone; I know many people that spend their entire lives doing for others and then one day realize that not only did those people not do in return (which should never be the reason you do for others) but that they have very little energy or resources left to do for themselves. Moms are really good for this….not to say that Dads don’t do this as well. In fact, if I step back and look at how roles have changed over the past 20 years, I’d have to say that the lines between what is typically known as a “mom job” and that of the dad have all but disappeared. I’m willing to bet a great many dads out there will read this (well, if any of them actually read this) and identify with what I’m talking about.
How often has someone asked for your help and you said yes and then instantly regretted it? How many times have you promised time to someone that you’d much rather spend doing something else? How often have you missed out on going to the gym, hanging with your friends, even just chilling out at home, all you really wanted to do, because someone asked, or demonstrated that they needed, your help? If you’re anything like me, the answer is, “too many times to count.” Why do we do this? My theory is because we’ve been taught that to put ourselves first is selfish. If we take the time that we could have used to help someone else and use it to do something for ourselves, we only think of ourselves. Why does that make us selfish? Why does taking care of oneself, even if that means the mental downtime you get from something as mind numbing as, oh I don’t know, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? (I may have seen an episode or two.)
I spent a number of years working with a therapist…yes, really. Now you’re trying to imagine just how fucked up I was before that, aren’t you? Regardless, she helped me to see just how essential it is for each of us to practice a level of self care that equates to putting that oxygen mask on ourselves first. I still struggle with saying no to people, but not nearly as much as I once did. I thought that every request was an opportunity to help others and that I should take it because that’s what good and decent people did. You know what it really did? Made me wish I’d never answered the phone, made me wonder why I didn’t come up with an excuse why I couldn’t help, and it made me start to resent the person because obviously they should have known how terribly busy I was and was rude enough to ask anyway. Sounds a tad crazy, doesn’t it? How the hell would anyone know how much shit I had already been unable to say no to if I don’t tell them?
My therapist, she’s a god-send (if anyone wants her contact info, just ask), who taught me it was ok to say no. She taught me that I didn’t have to do everything everyone asked of me. She taught me that putting me first showed other people that I’m a priority too. I’ve seen a meme that says something to the affect of “If you’re constantly putting others before yourself, you’re showing them your place” and it’s true. If we’re constantly telling other people that their priorities are more important than our own, they’ll believe it. Not that people intentionally take advantage of others, well, some do, but for the most part people ask when they have a need and expect that the person they’re asking will be straightforward with their answer. Or, if you’re offering something up to help someone else out, they’re not expecting that it’s putting you in a bad spot when you offer it.
I’ve been in situations in the past that by helping someone else out, it put me in a bad position, sometimes with other individuals and sometimes financially. I’m sure if the individuals knew that by helping them out I was creating a difficult situation for myself, they’d think I was nuts. I wouldn’t want someone to do that in order to help me, so why would I do that for someone else? Another wonderful thing she taught me was that by taking care of me, I’m modeling for others; my children, my friends, coworkers, that taking care of ourselves should be a priority. Taking care of our needs should come first because if it doesn’t, they don’t get taken care of. Who wouldn’t want their children to know that their needs and wants are just as important as anyone else’s. So why do we show them that ours aren’t?
It was a long and difficult process to change those behaviors for me, a process that on some days I still manage to step backward in. It began with my gym time, I made my time at the gym a priority. Sometimes people had to wait for me because I was determined to get to the gym, sometimes they were even frustrated because they couldn’t do exactly what they wanted to do exactly when they wanted to do it….but they still did it….and I still went to the gym. Then I began to make time with my friends, something I never really made a priority. I’d make dates with my friends and unless someone needed stitches or there was a horrific circumstance, I didn’t change those plans. There is nothing more therapeutic than an evening with your best friends, a few drinks, a little bit of bitching and a whole lot of laughter. Everyone deserves that, even moms and dads. And even though my work schedule is much more hectic than it used to be, I still make time for those nights out…and usually pay with a headache the next day!
The funny thing is, when I take these steps to take care of me, I find that I can do so much more for others. I am more energized to help others, I have much more creative ideas and the genuine desire to do for others is intense. Must be all that oxygen flowing into my system because I put that mask on first. It’s not too late for you…you can always learn to say no, you can always schedule a girls (or boys) night out and stick with it, you can always tell someone that you need to take care of you. How much of a jackass would someone be if they formed a resentment around you wanting to care for yourself? They won’t…and who knows, perhaps that’ll start to rub off on them as well. As I travel back home on Friday I’m still not likely to listen to the safety talk…still won’t make eye contact, but I will probably crack a smile when they break out that goofy looking oxygen mask and slip it over their perfectly coiffed hair. I’ll smile knowing that if those masks deploy, I’ve learned that I can only help others when I put that oxygen mask on myself first. (Right Gina? <3)
I Rise ~ Andrea