Guess who’s back…back again…

April of 2019…that’s the last time I blogged and when I wrote then, I wrote about how a young woman’s desire to lose weight inspired me to write. So, what’s changed and why has it taken me this long to write again? Well, a lot is the answers. A lot has happened to me and with me and that’s why it’s been almost 2 years since I’ve written. But that’s not the REAL reason WHY I haven’t written. I haven’t written for fear of being harshly judged for my words, for my thoughts and for my feelings. I’ve feared that my written words would become ammunition for those that don’t have my best interests, or those of my loved ones, at heart. I worried that expressing my thoughts and emotions would be used to fuel petty conversations and create fodder for those looking to take cheap shots at me and my family. Then I had the most insightful conversation with Brittany, a friend from many years ago, this weekend.

Brittany and I talked about how I used to blog often and she asked why I hadn’t in so long as it’s clearly something I’m passionate about. At first I began with, “I don’t really have anything to say” which we all know is bullshit because if there’s one thing I’m not its being at a loss for words, and then I was honest with her. I told her I was tired of having to worry about my words being used against me or my husband (yep, after almost 5 months, I’m finally getting used to calling him that). Her response was so simple and perfect, I’m not sure why I’d never thought of it before. She asked me if that was already happening, to which I responded that it was. She asked if that was the case than what difference did it make if I blogged or not. Obviously, there would always be those that would say what they wanted, regardless if I was pursing my passion for blogging or not. And she’s right, it doesn’t matter if I keep my words to myself or if I put them in print, there will always be someone, or someones, that will say what they want to regardless if there was any truth or substance to their words. I promised her that I’d start blogging again…so if you get tired of it, you can blame Brittany. (Seriously lady, I appreciate that conversation more than you will ever know….I just hope you read this!)

Here’s the thing that REALLY bugs me, more than me staying silent (relatively speaking) for the past, almost, 2 years. I would be the first person to say to someone else, “don’t let others’ insecurities be the reason you stay quiet. Who cares what other people think, you do you and to hell with anyone else.” And yet, I’d never thought to utter those words to myself. I’d never thought to give myself my own advice. As I’m writing this, I can think of so many other scenarios where this is the case. I tell people often that they need to take care of themselves and before you know it I’m going on 4 days with very little sleep, over promising to everyone and not worrying about refilling my own tank. Yet if I see someone else doing this, I’m so ready to remind them that they need to fill that tank because running on empty is a breakdown waiting to happen. Risk taking; I’m great with bolstering the confidence of others when faced with a risk yet get so much anxiety when it’s me facing these risks that I will break out, lose sleep, turn into super-bitch because the anxiety is eating me alive. More often than I can count the reality of the risk is very minor in comparison to what I make it in my head…and yet when faced with another risk, its the same cycle.

Why do we do that? Why do I do that? Why am I so good at giving other people advice and giving them confidence to believe in themselves and yet I can’t give myself that same boost? I don’t know if it stems from being bullied when I was younger, if it’s because I’ve always been in supportive roles in many relationships rather than someone that asks for support, or if society has something to do with it – you know the whole, toot your own horn thing. I do know that I have something to offer others, even if it’s just an opportunity for you to take a peak into my twisted mind (just a peak though, I don’t want to scare you) for entertainment purposes or to give an alternate opinion on things, get you to exercise your own noggin. And I shouldn’t care what others think, my thoughts are my thoughts, right? So, at the risk of the meat grinder in my belly switching to overdrive, I am going to make 3 promises right now.

1. I WILL blog once a week – even if I have absolutely nothing of substance to say, which could happen quite often. I am committed to spending time each week reflecting, processing and sharing my thoughts with anyone that wants to read them.
2. I WILL NOT sensor my thoughts to feed the worry I may have about how my words may be used and by whom. When I am tempted to, I’ll remind myself of what I’d tell others, “Fuck em! You do you boo!”
3. I will remind myself as often as I can that just because there are shitty insecure people in this world that need to spend time talking about, making fun of and worrying about others’ lives that the issue is theirs alone and not mine. That I will continue to live my life for me, my husband (see used it again), my family and those that I love; to be better for them, to take more risks for them and to take care of me for them.

Initially, I had no intention of making this blog all about my insecurities, it was simply going to be an introduction into why it’s been so long since my last blog. Apparently though, my subconscious had other plans, not an unusual thing. Maybe I needed to get it all out like a purging of the bad juju so I can continue forward working on the good. Maybe this entry was like a session with my therapist, although cheaper, forcing me to look at why I do and say things for others that I don’t do or say for myself. Maybe I thought there are others out there that aren’t saying what they want to say or doing what they want to do because of the same fears that I have…or maybe it’s a combination of all of these things. Whatever the reason, I obviously needed to make this an entire post in itself.

Thank you for taking the time to read my rambling thoughts and words, remember that no one should keep you from pursuing your passions, from censoring your thoughts and words and from sharing your gifts with the world. If you need a reminder, just ask, I’ve got you!

I Rise ~ Andrea