Crying seems to be my thing…Don’t get me wrong, I don’t just break down in tears for no reason. You won’t find me sitting at my computer and with no cause suddenly find me sobbing. You will, however, find that tears come to my eyes easily if the feels hit me, and hit me hard.
I’ve done a bit of research into why people cry. As children we’re told that we shouldn’t cry, lest we be given something to cry for. People that cry are often seen as weak, emotionally unstable or out of control. Some people believe those that cry easily use crying to manipulate someone into doing or believing something, and others think that those that cry often can’t cope with everyday life. From what I’ve been able to find, none of these is true.
When am I most likely to cry? Obviously, I cry when I’m sad as do most people. When someone that I care for passes away, I cry. When someone I don’t know, but that is loved by someone I care about passes, I may cry. I’ve been to a number of wakes and funerals for people I have never met, but that were connected to people that I cared about and it brought me to tears. I’m not crying because I’ll miss that person, I never knew them to miss them, but the thought of someone I care about feeling that sense of loss in their lives easily brings on the waterfalls. At times like that, it also reminds me of how important the people in my life are to me and how lost I’d be if just one of them were lost to me. I cry when atrocities are committed against people that I have never met nor know anyone that knows them. The thought that human beings can hurt others in such horrific ways leaves me with a deep sadness that will often reduce me to tears.
I cry when I’m scared. When I say scared, I don’t mean the horror movie, afraid to turn the lights off at night, kind of scared. The scared I speak of relates to being worried about those I love. In a previous blog I spoke about my daughter’s battle with addiction. The fear of what may happen to her when she’s using is more than enough to see me wiping away the tears. Even in sobriety, when discussing where she’s been and the fear that existed when thinking about what could have happened to her will make me cry. My son, he produces a whole new set of fears that will induce the sniffles as well. He’s enlisted in the VT National Guard, and while we’re not currently deploying our VT troops, given the frantic state of our government at the moment, it’s not outside the realm of possibility that he’ll be sent to the front lines of combat. Speaking of our current governmental climate, I fear for what the future holds for my granddaughter. What type of world will she experience? Given the current state of affairs, it’s enough to start the tears welling in the corners of my eyes. While I don’t dwell on these fears, they’re there and if the topic of conversation comes up, you’ll likely find me trying to salvage my mascara.
When someone has hurt me, I cry. The hurt that brings forth tears is not the physical pain one associates with an injury. I have a fairly high pain tolerance, so it’ll have to be a pretty rugged injury for me to cry. Hurt my soul, however, and that’s entirely a different matter. I struggle to understand why people who claim to care for one another can do things, or say things, that they know will hurt another. For instance, when couples, that pledge their eternal love and lives to each other, resort to calling each other hurtful and emotionally harmful names, how does one not cry? There’s an emotional pain so deep when the person you love above all others treats strangers on the street with more care and compassion than they do you. That pain has to go somewhere, with me, it’s out my eyes.
I cry when I’m relieved. There are times when I worry, warranted or not, about things that I may or may not have any control over. I know, I know, why worry about things I have no control over? That’s a discussion for another blog…When I worry, almost without fail, it’s for nothing. Things become far bigger in my brain than they usually ever are, discussions much more difficult in theory than in reality. That intense exhale of relief will sometimes spring forth a tear or two. Being wound so tightly, like a spring, when unwound, the forces squeeze the liquid from my lids…whether I want it to or not.
I cry when I’m angry. It’s not often that I get so angry that it reduces me to tears, but it happens. There were times when my kids were teenagers that I’d be so angry with actions or words coming from them that I’d not be able to express that anger in any other way, than in tears. We tend to think that young children are the only ones that don’t posses the verbal skills to accurately relay their emotions, however a 35 year old mom of a 13 year old teenage daughter often lacks sufficient language to relay the sheer depth of the emotion she’s feeling…that’s when the hot tears come.
And yes, I cry when I’m happy. I often cry at weddings when I see two people, so completely in love, professing that love to each other in front of all of the people that are most important in their lives. The feeling of hope, love and extreme happiness radiates all around them and it’s difficult to contain those tears. When my children, and then my granddaughter, were born, the tears were almost impossible to stop for hours. The joy of seeing those perfect, sweet, beautiful babies, born out of love, was so all consuming that if I didn’t cry, I’d burst. When people that I love do amazing things, graduate from school (congratulations Steve and Jess!), obtain a sought after job or promotion, do charitable works for others, even when it was as simple as watching my children during school concerts, I’d cry. The pride I feel for those that I love, doing what they love, boils up and over my eye lids quickly and without reservation.
So, if I cry when the feels hit, does it make me weak? I don’t think so, I think it means when I feel, I feel intensely, regardless of the emotion. Research actually suggests that those that cry when feeling intense emotion are more cooperative and vulnerable. Tears are a signal that someone does not wish to fight, and that with that signal they are saying they’d rather figure things out, discuss and agree, rather than fight. A vulnerable person is someone that allows and invites intimate relationships in their lives. Vulnerability is a signal that one is willing to open themselves up to hurt in order to create deep and emotional connections with others…is that really a weakness? I don’t think so, I believe a significant amount of strength is needed to allow people to see all of you, not just the good stuff, but everything, and trust that they’ll not turn you away because of what they see.
Tears are a stress reliever. While it’s believed that stress hormones are cried out through tears, there is proof that the neurotransmitter leucineenkephalin is released in the brain when people cry. Leucineenkephalin is an opiate like pain killer. So while crying we’re ridding our bodies of the toxins that stress creates in the body, we’re also able to create a hormone that provides a natural high. Researchers have also found that the act of crying assists our nervous system in returning our bodies into emotional equilibrium. This can be witnessed by those that are rocks during a difficult time but that “fall apart” after it’s over. Those tears can’t possibly be a weakness, can they?
Do I like the fact that I cry at the drop of a hat? No, there are certainly times when I wish I could shut off the emotions humming through my body, but, I can’t. At the same time though, would I wish to give up feeling as intensely as I do just to avoid crying when it’s not “convenient” for me? No, absolutely not. Part of what makes me unique is that I feel so deeply. I love, I hurt, I get angry, I get sad, I feel for others, and I get scared….and I do all of these things intensely. Sometimes so, that the intensity has no choice to but burst out through my eyes….and while in some peoples’ opinions it may be a sign of weakness, a signal that I’m just a stupid emotional girl, it’s also why I do for others as much as I do. It’s why I connect with people, why I push myself to do more than I think I can do, its why I still believe in true love, why I think there’s a solution to every problem and why when I see someone else crying I’m compelled to find out why.
So, if you’re a crier like me, don’t despair, there are far more crybabies like us out there. And while we may never escape the ridicule of those that don’t feel crying is an acceptable outlet for emotion, we can have compassion for them. We can feel better about the amount of money we’ll spend on Kleenex because our nervous systems are working to return to equilibrium, we’re putting ourselves out there for all to see and we’re the ones looking for solutions to finding peace in our lives. Did I cry today? Absolutely, a couple of times…once when I was angry, once when love and admiration hit me in the heart, and once while I was writing this blog…because it’s hard not to feel the feels when you’re talking about them, and I’m totally okay with that.
I Rise ~ Andrea
-Information taken from “Tears and Emotions” by Karyn Hall, PhD